I don’t know if anyone has actually noticed, but I’ve been rather absent on the blog lately. There have been weeks where I haven’t posted at all and if it weren’t for my awesome contributors, Sunny & Jessica, nothing would have been shared at all. For a while I was making excuses that I’ve been battling morning sickness and being overly tired due to the wonderful first trimester which was partially true, but there is so much more to it than that. And I just want to put it all out there. The truth.
And this is the truth. I am depressed.
Even when I read those two sentences out loud to myself it just feels stupid. So stupid that I have sat here wondering if I should really publish this post. But I just need to get it off my chest.
I had been doing ok going through the motions of life with three little ones and one on the way. Smiling through the day and the moment I got them in bed for the night I just needed to collapse on the couch. I could sit and stare at my computer screen for hours and not be able to form a single coherent thought to share with my readers. My usual happy, cheery, sometimes sarcastic voice just refused to flow out into blog posts. And I am behind. So behind. There are so many great products that I need to share with you guys which is making this whole ordeal even harder.
And then this past week my husband had a health scare that landed him in the hospital getting a heart cath at only 31 years old and left me a blubbering mess. The good news is his heart is fine. He did have pericarditis which is when the membrane around the heart becomes inflamed. He spent three days in the hospital and during that time I don’t know how many buckets of tears I cried.
And that is when I realized I have been depressed. I’ve battled depression since my grandmother passed away in 2005, but have always been able to keep it under control with a rather low dose of medicine. But right now I am sad. And there is really no reason for me to be sad which is why I know I am depressed. My husband is on the mend. My kids are awesome. I am blessed with another bundle of joy who will join us in November. Summer is on the way. So much to be thankful for yet I am sad.
I use all the energy I have to keep my kids happy, healthy, and entertained during the day and then when it comes time to do things for me the energy is zapped. I literally want to do nothing, but put on sweats and crawl in bed. My chest is heavy… it hurts to breathe. My shoulders ache because I feel so tense. Anything the least bit loud gives me an instantaneous headache.
The whole reason I am sharing this with you is because when you are facing depression it is important to get help. I am so thankful for the awesome group of blogging friends I have that I can turn to at any time of the day to get words of encouragement and support. I also have made an appointment with my OB. I am hoping after meeting with her on Thursday we might be able to either increase or change my medicine to get me back on track.
So please know that I am not blogging regularly because I don’t want to, but because I literally can not right now. I hope very soon I am back to my normal bubbly self… she’s in there begging to come out. And one more thing, though I know it’s almost useless to say… but please do not worry about me. I do not want to hurt myself. What I want is to get this fixed which is why I have already contacted my doctor. So just cross your fingers and say a prayer that we can find an easy fix. Much love.